Wednesday, April 11, from 9am-4pm, in Portsmouth, NH : Love? Belonging? Hook-ups? What about Teen Relationships? In this training, PPNNE Trainer Katherine McLaughlin will take an in-depth look at teen relationships and the most recent trends in teen relationships and sexual expression. Explore the complexity of teen romantic and sexual relationships, as well as the complexity of friendships for teens. Participants will leave with concrete tools and effective activities that will increase communication with teens and help them make good decisions about their sexual health. To find out more, click here.
The night before this training, Tuesday April 10th from 7pm-9pm, there will be a FREE Parent Night on the same topic. Parents will take away current information on teen reality and trends in teen behavior, and strategies for talking with their kids about their relationships, whether they be platonic, romantic, or sexual. The evening will address three key struggles facing youth today: deciding when it is attraction, like or love; social dynamics among peers; and issues of sexual expression. This event will be held at the First Parish Congregational Church located at 12 Beach Street in Saco, Maine. This evening for parents is co-sponsored by the United Way of York County. You can RSVP for this event: http://www.ppnne.org.
When parents talk to and affirm the value of their children, young people are more likely to develop positive, healthy attitudes about themselves. This is also true when the subject is sex. To learn more about how to communicate to your child about sex see:
The White Mt. Community Health Center also has professionals who can help. Contact: Trisha Jacobson, Teen Clinic Coordinator at 447-8900.
Teens can obtain confidential information at the Teen Clinic 2:30-5:50pm every Thursday, 298 White Mt. Highway, Conway. Teens can just drop in or call 447-8900 for more information.
Talking to Teenagers about Healthy Relationships
By Mary Mayhew, Executive Director, Starting Point: Services for Victims of Domestic & Sexual Violence
The teenage years are a time of exploration, of gaining independence and trying new things as teenagers transition from children to adults. For parents, watching children explore dating can be a both frightening and frustrating experience. Because teenagers have so little experience in the dating world, their early relationships can be extremely intense. If, as adults we try to convince teenagers to slow down or to look at their actions from an adult perspective, they tell us that we just don't understand. When our teenagers feel that they can't talk to us, however, they may have no where else to turn when love becomes confusing or even dangerous. To help your teenagers be better prepared for dating, talk with them early and often about love and dating. The following points can help the teenagers in your life have happier and more successful dating relationships.
Know the difference between love and jealousy.
Many teenagers mistake jealousy for love. Jealousy may feel like caring, but in reality, jealousy is about insecurity and possessiveness, not love. The jealous party feels that he or she has the right to control his or her partner's behavior. If you find yourself frequently answering your partner's invasive questions about where you've been or how you've spent your time, you are being controlled not loved. Ultimately, jealousy becomes a trap that can inhibit you from making or keeping friends and trying new things.
You have the right to spend time with your friends without feeling guilty.
Teenage romances can be extremely intense, particularly at first. Teenagers need to know that it's okay to spend time with their other friends. In a healthy relationship, both partners support each other's interests and encourage outside activities. If you are pressured into feeling guilty when spending time away from your boyfriend or girlfriend, understand that guilt can be a way that your partner uses to control you and keep you from being the person who you want to be. If you give in to jealousy, you may end up isolated, with no friends or interests outside of your partner.
You have the right to express your opinions.
Being in love does not mean becoming "one". In the real world, two people don't have everything in common, even if it seems that way at first. If you find yourself in a relationship where your ideas are belittled or where you feel afraid to say what you think, you are being neither loved nor respected. Someone who loves you, cares about how you think and feel, even when they disagree.
You have the right to be proud of who you are.
With all of us, there is always room for improvement, but the person you're dating does not have the right to criticize the way you look, speak or act, or urge you to change. If the person you’re dating tells you that you're too fat, too thin, that you don't dress right or puts down people or things that you value, your date is probably insecure about his or herself and might not be good for you.
You have the right to slow the relationship down if you feel that it's going too fast.
Relationships are something shared, not taken. If you feel you're losing control, it's okay to ask for some space, even if your partner has bought you presents, helped you through a hard time or told you that he or she can't live without you. If someone cares about you, he or she will try to understand what's best for you, even if it's not always what they want.
You have the right to say no to sex.
Even if you've had sex before. Even if you date took you out to dinner. Even if your partner says that he/she is going to die without it. Just because you're dating someone doesn't mean that you have to have sex. If you kiss someone this week, that doesn’t mean that you need to move on to a more intense level next week. Physical intimacy should be a mutual decision that both parties feel ready for. If it's not shared, it's not love.
You have the right to end a relationship.
If you're no longer happy in your relationship, you don't need to be in it, even if everybody thinks you’re the perfect couple. Just because your peers think you have the perfect relationship doesn't mean that it is. If the person you've broken up with harasses or threatens you and makes you afraid, there are legal remedies to help protect you.
This is a partial list of topics that can help open the doors of conversation between you and your teens. If you have more questions about these topics or know of someone who needs help with a violent or dangerous relationship, call Starting Point at 1-800-336-3795.
Are You an Askable Parent?
As a parents or caregiver, it is very important for you to be askable. What does that mean? How do adults become askable?
To be askable means that young people see you as approachable and open to questions. Being askable about sexuality is something that most parents and caregivers want but that many find very difficult. Adults may have received little or no information about sex when they were children. Sex may not have been discussed in their childhood home, whether from fear or out of embarrassment. Or, adults may
worry about:
Not knowing the right words or the right answers;
Being out of it in the eyes of their young people;
Giving too much or too little information; or
Giving information at the wrong time.
Being askable is important. Research shows that youth with the least accurate information about sexuality and sexual risk behaviors may experiment more and at earlier ages compared to youth who have more information.1,2,3,4,5 Research also shows that, when teens are able to talk with a parent or other significant adult about sex and about protection, they are less likely to engage in early and/or unprotected sexual intercourse than are teens who haven’t talked with a trusted adult.6,7,8,9 Finally, youth often say that they want to discuss sex, relationships, and sexual health with their parents—parents are their preferred source of information on these subjects.10,11 Because being askable is so important and because so many adults have difficulty initiating discussions about sex with their children, adults may need to learn new skills and become more confident about
their ability to discuss sexuality. Here are some tips from experts in the field of sex education.
Talking with Young People about Sexuality
1. Acquire a broad foundation of factual information from reliable sources. Remember that sexuality is a much larger topic than sexual intercourse. It includes biology and gender, of course, but it also includes emotions, intimacy, caring, sharing, and loving, attitudes, flirtation, and sexual
orientation as well as reproduction and sexual intercourse.
2. Learn and use the correct terms for body parts and functions. If you have difficulty saying some words without embarrassment, practice saying these words, in private and with a mirror, until you are as comfortable with them as with non-sexual words. For example, you want to be able to say “penis”
as easily as you say “elbow.”
3. Think through your own feelings and values about love and sex. Include your childhood memories, your first infatuation, your values, and how you feel about current sex-related issues, such as contraceptives, reproductive rights, and equality with regard to sex, gender, and sexual orientation.
You must be aware of how you feel before you can effectively talk with youth.
4. Talk with your child. Listen more than you speak. Make sure you and your child have open, two-way communication—as it forms the basis for a positive relationship between you and your child. Only by listening to each other can you understand one another, especially regarding love and sexuality, for adults and youth often perceive these things differently.
5. Don’t worry about—
Being “with it.” Youth have that with their peers. From you, they want to know what you believe, who you are, and how you feel.
Being embarrassed. Your kids will feel embarrassed, too. That’s okay, because love and many aspects of sexuality, including sexual intercourse, are highly personal. Young people understand this.
Deciding which parent should have this talk. Any loving parent or caregiver can be an effective sex educator for his/her
children.
Missing some of the answers. It’s fine to say that you don’t know. Just follow up by offering to find the answer or to work
with your child to find the answer. Then do so.
Talking with Young Children
1. Remember that if someone is old enough to ask, she/he is old enough to hear the correct answer and to learn the correct
word(s).
2. Be sure you understand what a young child is asking. Check back. For example, you might say, “I’m not certain that I
understand exactly what you are asking. Are you asking if it’s okay to do this or why people do this?” What you don’t want is
to launch into a long explanation that doesn’t answer the child’s question.
3. Answer the question when it is asked. It is usually better to risk embarrassing a few adults (at the supermarket, for example)
than to embarrass your child or to waste a teachable moment. Besides, your child would usually prefer it if you answer right then
and softly. If you cannot answer at the time, assure the child that you are glad he/she asked and set a time when you will answer
fully. “I’m glad you asked that. Let’s talk about it on the way home.”
4. Answer slightly above the level you think your child will understand, both because you may be underestimating him/her and
because it will create an opening for future questions. But, don’t forget that you are talking with a young child. For example,
when asked about the differences between boys and girls, don’t get out a textbook and show drawings of the reproductive organs.
A young child wants to know what is on the outside. So, simply say, “A boy has a penis, and a girl has a vulva.”
5. Remember that, even with young children, you must set limits. You can refuse to answer personal questions. “What happens
between your father and me is personal, and I don’t talk about it with anyone else.” Also, make sure your child understands the
difference between values and standards relating to his/her question. For example, if a child asks whether it is bad to masturbate,
you could say, “Masturbation is not bad; however, we never masturbate in public. It is a private behavior.” [values versus
standards] You should also warn your child that other adults may have different values about this subject while they will hold
to the same standard; that is, they may believe it is wrong and a private behavior.
Talking with Teens
1. Recall how you felt when you were a teen. Remember that adolescence is a difficult time. One moment, a teen is striving for
separate identity and independence, and the next moment urgently needs an adult’s support.
2. Remember that teens want mutually respectful conversations. Avoid dictating. Share your feelings, values, and attitudes and
listen to and learn about theirs. Remember that you cannot dictate anyone else’s feelings, attitudes, or values.
3. Don’t assume that a teen is sexually experienced or inexperienced, knowledgeable or naive. Listen carefully to what your
teen is saying and/or asking. Respond to the teen’s actual or tacit question, not to your own fears or worries.
4. Don’t underestimate your teen’s ability to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of various options. Teens have values,
and they are capable of making mature, responsible decisions, especially when they have all the needed facts and the opportunity
to discuss options with a supportive adult. If you give your teen misinformation she/he may lose trust in you, just as he/she will
trust you if you are a consistent source of clear and accurate information. Of course, a teen’s decisions may be different from
ones you would make; but that goes with the territory.
Being askable is a lifelong component of relationships. It opens doors to closer relationships and to family connections. It’s never
too late to begin!
www.advocatesforyouth.org From 2000 M Street NW, Suite 750 Washington, DC 20036 USA Phone: 202.419.3420 Fax: 202.419.1448 Written by Barbara Huberman, RN, MEd, and by Sue Alford, MLS
©2005, Advocates for Youth
